Secret Smile
by jazztrousers
Summary: Ichigo reflects on his relationship with Renji. Fluff.


_Nobody knows it,__  
><em>_But you've got a secret smile__  
><em>_And you use it__  
><em>_Only for me..._

That smile. That fucking _smile_. Who knew a guy could have a smile so infuriating but moving all at once?  
>Renji... your smile makes me wanna pull you closer with one hand and smack you with the other. It's all sharp and sexy and sweet. Makes me want to kiss the corners of your mouth and the apples of your cheeks.<br>Your smile is dangerous and daring. It bares your teeth and a silent challenge. Your _teeth_, oh those teeth, the sharp canines at either side. Capable of puncturing skin, of scratching over a nipple, of raking blood from my shoulder, or just denting my wrist.  
>So white and playful. And warm,<em>so<em> warm.

_So use it,__  
><em>_And prove it,__  
><em>_Remove this...__  
><em>_Whirling sadness..._

I ache for you when you're not here. I know I shouldn't but it's true. I lie in bed and shuffle and sigh and twist in the sheets, and sometimes in half-sleep, maybe half-dream, I reach out, reach for you, and you aren't there and your absence burns. But I can't have you all to myself, shit, I_know_ that. I mean, you're a vice-captain for god's sake! Your division needs you, the Soul Society needs you, but... fuck if I don't need you more.  
><em><br>__I'm losing,__  
><em>_I'm bluesing,__  
><em>_But you can__  
><em>_Save me from madness..._

Fuck. Now I miss you even though I just saw you. Just fucked you, my body reminds me. I can still smell you on my clothes, still taste your dark, peppery taste on my lips. My muscles feel imprinted with having your firm but somehow gentle frame wrapped around them. Every now and again I find long red hairs attached to my clothes, because you bleed into every aspect, every part of my being.  
>Your voice rattles and throbs in my head as I remember you. I play your breathy voice whispering my name over and over in my mind.<br>"Ichigo... Oh... Ichigo, I... Mmmf... Ichigo!" I hear your voice in my head and it's like I can feel your hot breath crackle in my ear all over again.  
>I held you so tight last time. You laughed at how clingy and submissive I was being, draping myself around you like I couldn't bear to be separated from you, like we were two halves of a whole that'd been ripped apart and I was trying desperately to push and meld us back together.<br>I wish you were here, now, in my bed with me. Your big warm hands in my hair and on my hips and around my stomach. The weight of you anchoring me in bed.

_So save me,__  
><em>_I'm waiting__  
><em>_I'm needing,__  
><em>_Hear me pleading_

_And soothe me,__  
><em>_Remove me,__  
><em>_I'm grieving,__  
><em>_I'm barely believing__  
><em>_Now..._

At least you aren't gone for good this time. At least you just went back to your apartment because I have school in the morning. Although I doubt I'll be in a very receptive state for learning, I'll probably just sit there and look for marks you leave on me, traces of you, a piece of you for a piece of me.  
>At least you just went home, not back to the Soul Society for three fucking months like last time.<br>Shit, Renji, it nearly killed me. Okay, I'll admit it got easier with time, I managed to re-adjust my universe and re-frame it around its missing center, its hot red core that had run away and left me bewildered, but those first few weeks...  
>All I could think about was that smile. You, grinning up at me. Across the table at Urahara's. Centimeters away from my face as we crossed blades. Smiling at me in the dark and whispering little lovely things into my sleepy ears. The smile you gave me when you left, full of pain and bravery. "Be good, kid."<br>My eyes sting at that particular memory. But when you flash me that stunning grin, even when I'm kneeling between your legs with your cock in my mouth, and I let my gaze wander up to your face, you flash that grin and I melt and shatter and I don't know who the fuck I am but I know that I need you like no-one's needed anything before.

_When you are flying around and around the world__  
><em>_And I'm lying all lonely__  
><em>_I know there's something sacred and free, reserved,__  
><em>_And received by me only_

_Need_. Yes, I need you. I can't imagine a future where I don't need you, and I can barely remember a past in which I didn't. Maybe I just didn't know I needed you.  
>I think my favourite smile that you give me is that one first thing in the morning after you've stayed over at my house. Our bodies are both warm from bed, and you roll over onto your side, and I slowly open my eyes and there you are. Grinning, always. Sometimes I push you away and tell you your breath stinks. Sometimes I kiss you or sometimes I'm so tired I'll just stroke your cheek.<br>But I only know that you being there, smiling at me, makes me feel safer than I ever have since this whole shinigami thing started, and maybe even before that. I know that sounds fucking stupid, and I wonder if I will ever actually tell you any of this.  
>I'll just boil it down into a couple of phrases if I do.<p>

_Nobody knows it,__  
><em>_But you've got a secret smile,__  
><em>_And you use it__  
><em>_Only for me._


End file.
